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Do you know those times when you’re drunk and you shouldn’t do certain things cuz a) they’ll hurt, b) they’ll cost you lots of money or c) they’ll make you look like a complete twonk? Well one of those times happened to me last night. Note I said “happened to me” not “I did….”
I came home from band (late as per usual) having imbibed a little of the hop-water from the Lincolnshire Posy and decided to tackle those hairs on my chinny chin chin that have been bugging me for months. I’ve resorted to nicking Kevin’s shaver to deal with the little blighters but enough is enough!! I’m 34 years old for god’s sake, I’m not my Granny and I REFUSE to shave my bloody chin any more! So there.
Anyway, I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and spotted the NEW AND IMPROVED VEET WAX FACIAL HAIR REMOVAL STRIPS on the window sill and thought…….why not??! Ever tried reading the instructions on these bloody things in the near dark, in the middle of the night after beer? I have………read on.
I undid the box, took out what I thought was one strip to find that it was two strips stuck face to face. Not a problem, just hold them between your palms for 10 seconds then slowly separate them and place one on the side of the sink……or in my case, rip them apart and then watch helplessly as they each attach themselves to the backs of my hands. After about 2 minutes of stupid flapping of hands in the air, I managed to detach one of the little buggers and decided to go for broke and stick it to my chin. The instructions at this point say “to place firmly of the offending hair (“offending”….yeah, that’s right buddy!!), smooth into place and hold for 10 seconds before swiftly removing the strip against the direction of hair growth”. Yeah….great. Which way is AGAINST the direction of hair growth that comes straight out yer skin????
Anyhow, I duly waited the 10 seconds and swiftly removed the strip sort of sideways. Not too bad for a first effort – no stinging or anything!! Wow, thinks I, I’m hairless!! But that was before I looked in the bloody mirror and found that a) the hairs were still there, b) my chin was BRIGHT BLUE and c) there was a suspicious oooozing material coming out of my skin near the hairs.
Hmmmmmmm…….not easily daunted, I thought “must’ve pulled it in the wrong direction” so tried again. This time after the 10 seconds of waiting, I thought I’d try to stretch the skin a bit like you do when you wax yer legs to give it a good go, and RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPP. That wasn’t the noise of the hairs being pulled out by the way, that was the sound of my skin coming apart.
Ooooch – noticed a slight stinging sensation this time and saw more oozing. The b****** hairs were still firmly rooted in my jaw though, so there was just one thing for it. Back on the chin with the bloody strip (it was a bit bloody by this point, the oozing had turned a bit red through the blue), stretch the jaw, pull the face, and RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP with the strip again.
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH bloody agony!!!!!!!!! The b****** marine-corps hairs were still standing to attention in the middle of a puddle of bright blue blood on my chin. What to do now??? I’d not worked out how to get the blue wax off my face yet, and there was an added problem of BLOOD. Sh********t!!
Apparently, in the box (as I found out later) there are a couple of wipe things that are supposed to “effortlessly remove wax residue”. Residue? RESIDUE?? My chin was bright blue for jib’s sake! I looked like a bloody extra on Braveheart!! I tried to wipe this blue gunk off my chin with the teensy weensy bit of oily rag provided, and ended up just spreading it all over the bleedin’ place. And the pain levels had managed to penetrate the beer-fogged mind at this point too. Funny what it takes eh?
I thought the only thing for it was good old-fashioned soap and water…………which hurt like hell. I only realised this morning (in the light and with my glasses on) that it says on the instructions “don’t use soap and water to remove the excess wax”. I wonder why!!!
I put some savlon on mi chin and crawled into bed, hoping that during the course of the (very short) night it would sort itself out. Only, before I’d even become properly awake this morning I was greeted with “blimey Pam, what’s that big red mess on your chin?” from Kevin……….
So, in conclusion: I have got a) a big red skinless patch on my chin, b) a little cluster of hairs that are tinged ever so slightly blue and c) wounded pride. Never again. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Again…
Where’s the tweezers??