Ever found yourself emerging from a deep sleep? Battling like a deep-sea diver to bring yourself back up to the surface before your oxygen runs out?

Those first few moments as your brain switches itself from standby mode to the reboot cycle because you’ve pressed the wrong button and it’s gone into “safe” mode for a while?

That dryness in your mouth where you would swear that it has grown a coating so arid that there is more moisture in the desert at midday in summer?

Where your thoughts scramble themselves into some sort of order – was that a dream or a memory? Did I do that or was it wishful thinking?

Where colours and sounds assault you before you’ve even lifted your head off the pillow, and everything in the world seems to have been been given a good wash on the spin cycle?

Ever had all those experiences but where you’ve not actually been asleep but just wading through life for a couple of weeks??

I have, and today has seen the dawn on a new day in Pamsterland.

About bloody time too!!!

You might have noticed a lack of content on my blog recently and that has largely been down to my awake-sleep state I’ve been in. Part of it has been down to pain levels – the drugs I take to try to contain the pain make it difficult to concentrate on very much, and recently it has been so bad that I’ve had to ration out the things I can devote my concentration on. As you know, I have responsibilities in my family and my church and what little attention I could muster has been spent there rather than on content on my blog. It has been a very long while since the last time I had to abandon my blog for a short time, so I can forecast it will be a long while again until I have to put it on the back burner a while. Apologies to those of you who have missed me while I’ve been gone, but my immense thanks to you for sticking by me.

The other reason I’ve not been able to blog properly for a little while is that I have been going through some sort of “crisis of self”, and my response to that has been to turn to more physical forms of creativity. My brain may not have been up to the job of creating very much, but my hands have! I have been crocheting (surprise, surprise) and I have managed to make myself two new tops to wear. That in itself has been part of my recovery because I’ve never rated myself as any sort of dressmaker, but these two items have proved that actually, yeah, I can do that! My problem has always been that I couldn’t cut out the fabric properly, which meant that no matter how hard I tried to get my seams straight, I was onto a loser before I even started because the fabric was cut all wonky. But this time, I was determined I was going to do this RIGHT and I took my time, did everything step by step, and I didn’t try to shortcut anything on the instructions. The result? Well, see for yourself…

Ignoring the messy hair and the mess in the background, not too bad a job of the new top eh? I’m rather chuffed with it!

I haven’t got any photos of the other one yet but I’ll update you on that one when I’ve plucked up the courage to model it…

The “crisis of self” had been brewing for a while, what with one thing and another going on and going wrong, but it really does feel like that phase is over now. Things feel so much better today, and I’ve had a day that has literally gone a million miles an hour. Not had one of those for a while! I did my first stint as an exam invigilator this morning – my first paid employment in over three years woop – and I had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got home. Emma was here so we had a brew and decided to treat ourselves to some lunch at Nandos, which was really lovely. We went back to hers for a bit more of a chat and to play with the cat and then I went back to pick Kevin up from work. Just about bounced in and then straight out of the house to take Ethan to his trombone lesson, and bounced in and out again to go to a study/praise evening at church, which was BRILLIANT.

I’m so tired now, but my brain is fizzing with so much stuff I had to try and get it all out, hence this lengthy blog post. I hope that now my dreary bubble has burst and the sunshine is out again things will get back to normal, including blogging properly again.

Thank you for sticking with me – the Pamster is back on the Mushy Cloud and the world is looking pretty bright and shiny from up here!!




12 thoughts on “And….breathe!!”

    1. Thanks Nicola! I have always dabbled with sewing and stuff, but this is the first “proper” garment I’ve made for myself that’s turned out right. I made some clothes for Emma when she was a baby and toddler, but mostly my craft work is decorative rather than functional. I used to do a lot of cross-stitch when the kids were little…until I ran out of high places to put scissors and needles and everything! Nowadays I like crocheting and machine sewing to keep me busy. And the more-than-odd replacement buttons on Ethan’s school uniform. Tsk….boys!! x


  1. This is a very nice picture of you, Pam. I love it, and not just the top which is beaut. The whole you looks glowing with happiness. And your writing sounds very positive too. I do like your hair style too. Thanks very much for the updating about your life with this post. It made for very good reading. Somehow you always seem to find some energy to do a lot of things. Being tired can’t keep you down for very long! Looking forward to read more of your posts. Love, Uta.


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