Daybook Entry – 12th October

021114_2314_DaybookEntr1.jpgFOR TODAY
Outside my window… ooooh Autumn is definitely here!

I am thinking… about how cruel life can be

I am thankful… that my Mum made our tea tonight. Thank you Mum, I don’t know what I’d do without you xx

In the kitchen… is a bloody annoying light that is blinking on and off. It seems to respond when we talk to it. Not sure if that’s us hallucinating or we have a really clever light

I am wearing… hoodie, tracksuit pants and a black t-shirt. Catching up with Strictly calls for sports gear even though I am a million miles away from doing any exercise right this minute!

I am creating… still working on some baby blankets that have been ordered by a lady at church and oodles and oodles of notes and story/character/plot ideas for my creative course

I am going… to bed soon. It has been a horrible day and tomorrow is looking as equally difficult

I am wondering… what tomorrow will bring

I am reading… “The Detective’s Daughter” by Leslie Thomson

I am hoping… my mother-in-law is not distressed and is peaceful tonight

I am praying for… to be honest, I don’t know what to pray for tonight. My mother-in-law is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s Disease and has been taken to hospital again today. She is facing an operation tomorrow but we are worried she might not withstand the anaesthetic, and if she does survive it her quality of life is so poor it seems wrong to pray for recovery. It is very difficult for all of the family so I suppose my prayers would be that we all stay strong and can face the next couple of days together.

I am looking forward to… in the current circumstances it feels wrong to be looking forward to anything very much, but I am looking forward to handing over these blankets to my friend. The babies are not due for another couple of months but I want them to be with the parents soon nevertheless!

I am learning… that statistics and case studies mean nothing when it’s a member of your own family suffering with a cruel disease

Around the house… meh…..stuff, more stuff, bits of stuff, messy stuff….

I am pondering… selling a kidney so we can afford a cleaner

A favourite quote for today: “You can’t rewind a sunset” (said by me this evening)

One of my favourite things… is my Mum’s shepherd pie

A few plans for the rest of the week: apart from Stay and Play in the morning, this week is going to be pretty much a minute by minute, hour by hour “see how it goes” kind of week

A peek into my day… we went for a drive this evening to have a bit of clear air and just to change the atmosphere. As you can see we chose a beautiful time of day to go out!


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6 thoughts on “Daybook Entry – 12th October”

  1. I laughed out loud when I read you were pondering selling a kidney so you could afford a cleaner. I was lamenting pretty much the same thing today….

    I will add my prayers to yours, for strength and understanding as you go through these next days. For you and your extended family. Hugs!!


    1. Thank you for your kind comments and your prayers. It’s one of my things I suppose that I find humour in must things. Admittedly sometimes it’s very difficult to see the funny side of anything, but we have to try don’t we?! Thank you 🙂


  2. Dear dear Pam. Praying for you and your family and especially your mother-in-law, that she may have peace and be pain free no matter what the outcome. I understand the feeling of not knowing what to pray for. The last month of my grandad’s life I knew not what to pray for other than peace and release from pain.

    Again, my prayers and love.



    1. Thank you Mary, that means a lot. I spent a couple of hours with my mother in law today and knowing that she’s not in pain and is relatively peaceful does help. It’s hard in other ways though, like watching her struggle to communicate, or to swallow and so on. I think my prayers today are easier than yesterday, but it still feels wrong but right but wrong but right to ask for a peaceful release…if that makes sense!


  3. It’s been said but praying for release from pain for Mother in law and for strength for your hubby seems the way to go.
    I sympathise with your position as my Dad becomes more frail every day and Mum struggles with her feelings of guilt for putting him in a respite home.


    1. Thanks Dave. I know what you mean about struggling with guilt as well as everything else. It seems love only gets more complicated as we get older, not less! I spent a couple of hours with my mother in law this afternoon and saw just how much she has deteriorated in even the past week. She is more or less beyond communication now, it’s just finger movements and eye movements to confirm what we suggest to her. It’s like a code we’ve got to learn suddenly, but it’s amazing how we managed to understand her request for blackcurrant juice not orange earlier! She has to have thickened fluids now because her swallow reflex has all but gone and to be honest just spending time giving her a “drink” this afternoon has helped me come to terms a bit more with what’s happening. I can see how your Mum struggles with asking for respite looking after your Dad – it feels like we’re giving up on them when we hand them over to the professionals even for a few hours or a few days, but really, without that professional intervention I think we’d all suffer more.

      I saw the picture of your Dad colouring with C over the weekend. Great memories for all your kids being built right there.


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